MY MESSAGE TO THE MAN
(aiming to de-escalate tensions and create an atmosphere of understanding within the relationship)
I understand that sometimes when you come home and you are not greeted by a warm hug, a warm look, a smile that means so much to you from her, it's as if your knees buckle, as if the ground is disappearing from under your feet. Speaking as a man to a man, I invite you to admit how important this woman is to you, if you doubt this, do not read any further. For her to be in your life means something to you. So I invite you to admit how important her smile is to you, how important her sweetness is, her playfulness when she looks at you, how important a gentle stroke on the back is, and how even more important it is for her words and attitude to make you feel like the most important man in the world. Our identity as men can only be reflected by women, and correspondingly, female identity only by men. Imagine a world with only women; there would be no reason to call them women. Therefore, the identity “man” can only exist within a society where both men and women exist, and the same applies to women of course.
So if you don't see her needs and don't highlight her beauty, and therefore her female identity, don't expect her to highlight yours either.
The more you realise how important she is to you and how important the recognition of your significance is, then perhaps the fight over the dishes will take a different turn:
”My love, I am choosing this calm moment to tell you some things I've been thinking about. I understand that especially during this period a lot has fallen on your plate, I understand that you are doing a lot and getting tired. I see that your smile doesn't come as easily as it used to and I'm worried about what might be going on with you. I think that the problem ultimately isn't the dishes, but it's a good opportunity for us to sit down and think about how we feel about this and what we can do differently. I understand that many times I am not close to you in the way you would like and also in the way I would like too. Things happen at work that drain a huge amount of energy from me and unfortunately sometimes I fail to leave them outside the door and bring them into our home. I apologise for this I can't always manage it. I have never told you how much it genuinely hurts me to hear, especially from you—the most important person in my life, whom I have chosen to be close to me—that I am not doing things right because I am useless. At that moment I want the earth to open up and swallow me, often I say to myself I'd rather not exist. And I think that instead of sitting down like now to tell you how much this hurts me, I start attacking you as well, and even though I see that with what I'm telling you I'm destroying our relationship and it hurts me very much, it hurts me even more not to be of value to you. I can't bear it. At those moments things are difficult, I am in desperate need of your smile and your sweet look to calm down a little of this huge fear I feel inside that you are rejecting me and that I am not important to you. Losing you feels like destruction, I feel like I would have made the biggest mistake in the world. I love you very much and I want to be with you and for us to be well, your smile, your eyes nourish my tired soul and only you can do that. I am trembling with fear, but I owe it to you to say that I don't have solutions for everything and yes, some things I don't do right, but in our relationship I want you to tell me what it is that you need and know that I will do my absolute best to respond to your need. What do you say, shall we try a fresh start on this basis?”
The above way is an example that stems from the following principle: take care of your partner so that they take care of you.
Of course a key prerequisite is that before taking care of your partner, you have taken care of yourself or that you have learned to take care of yourself and to be in touch with your needs and desires so that you can put them into words, but in a way that is also nurturing for your partner.
And more specifically, the way you communicate your need is important to:
- Show understanding and a empathy towards how the other person feels
- Show understanding towards yourself
- Nurtures & cares for the the other's need (if you tell them you are leaving during every argument, the chances of them listening to you are very limited
In other words, you don't saw off the legs of the chair you want to sit on!
This is how you will help your relationship break out of the vicious circle.
Self-work:
- I invite you to read the above words and rehearse them with yourself, to ask yourself which of these speak to you. If you recognise any of these in yourself, then that will be enough for a new beginning within you!