Simply put, self-esteem is a deep feeling that our self is worthy, that we fully accept ourselves for who we are and who we are not, that we love ourselves and treat ourselves with dignity. So let's ask ourselves:
- How many around us experience high levels of self-esteem?;
- How many have their self-esteem battery full?;
- How many live with honesty, respect, love, compassion, responsibility, and honesty towards themselves and others?;
- How many believe in their abilities?;
- How many accept themselves?;
- How many accept their mistakes and recognise them as an opportunity for learning?;
I am referring to self-esteem because I consider it to be the core of effective communication. As numerous research data show, our joy, well-being and happiness stem from human relationships. The longest-running study ever conducted on human well-being took place at Harvard. Researchers began 75 years ago tracking a sample of 724 individuals from various regions of America to study their beliefs, psychological state and how they experience their lives, as well as how all these factors relate to their professional success, health, financial well-being and happiness. To this day, this research is ongoing. The sample has of course shrunk considerably because many have passed away or dropped out of the study. However, 70 people remain who still participate and are close to 90 years old! Measurements have been taken and data gathered from many different levels of their lives. The main conclusion is that the healthiest, most cheerful and happiest people are those who have learned to build more meaningful, happier relationships. Relationships characterised by meaningful and direct communication. Just imagine! Tons of data over so many years show us something we all already know! Whenever I asked someone what their happiest moments in life were, no one ever told me something like: «When I bought my dream car» or something like: «When I was making a lot of money». Everyone had stories to tell about the birth of their child, their first date with their partner, birthday surprises and so many other small or large moments that had to do with other people! I don't think anyone ever found happiness all by themselves!
According to other research data, when our basic needs such as food, clothing, shelter, heating, etc. are met, we can be happy. In other words, the critical factor for us to thrive and be happy is not further financial prosperity, but people and the relationships we maintain with them.
So what happens that we have drifted away from happiness? What has happened that we have distanced ourselves from those around us?;
I would now like us to examine a sequence which goes as follows:
First:
To be happy, I must have healthy relationships and people around me who love me.
Second:
To have people around me who love me, at some point I learned to love myself and thus I offer love first.
Third:
To love myself, I was loved by my parents, my family, my friends, my partners, etc.
When we derive happiness through human relationships, it is because we have learned to love people. Love is what brings us together. But for this to happen, we must first have learned love and above all have learned to love ourselves. How else could we offer something we do not know? By the age of 5-6, most of our personality is built and we learn the way to relate to others.
When children are small, every message from the parent as well as the way they speak to each other, the way they speak to the child, how they handle problems and similar things, instantly affects their sense of self-esteem. A child will develop high self-esteem when they grow up in an environment where individual differences are expressed and accepted. In an environment where mistakes are used for learning rather than punishment, where communication is open at all levels and the rules developed within the family exist but are flexible where they need to be. Conversely, in an environment where the child grows up amidst rows and parents do not fully express their emotions, whether positive or negative, the child is flooded with double messages—that is, those where the parents’ body language says one thing and their words another. For these reasons, unfortunately, the battery is constantly low. So how could a person who does not value themselves give value to others around them? Therefore, what they do to psychologically survive is wait for someone else to give them value.
It is that the love received was in drips and drabs, given conditionally. So a battle begins between spouses, between friends over who will ultimately manipulate the other first in order to gain self-worth. The fuller a person's battery is, the less need they have to draw energy from those around them. They feel they are strong and worthy for exactly who they are and have no need for any validation from those around them. The message that comes across is: «I am secure and I do not seek to manipulate you to derive personal worth from you.» Thus, the other person feels secure, is not afraid, and is more open and receptive to communication.
Perhaps it is time to accept two major truths which coexist. One is that every human being is unique and there is absolutely no one else like them on this planet. Which means that each of us perceives the world in our own way. Therefore, certain thoughts, emotions, and behaviours will definitely differ from those around us. The deeper we understand this truth, the more open we are and accepting of the other person's diversity, the closer we come to them and communicate even better. The second is that, although we are unique, there are many levels on which we are similar. First and foremost is our body. Blood flows through all our blood vessels, we all have the same sensory organs, we all have hands and feet, and so on.
We also have a lot in common on the level of psychological needs, as we all need a safe, warm, and protected place for ourselves and our families to thrive. We all need food, water, and health. We all need psychological security and safety, as well as diverse experiences. We need to matter to certain people, we need to connect with other people, and we need to feel that we offer love. The difference lies in how each of us gives meaning to all these common needs and, according to that meaning, in what ways we try to meet them. It is therefore extremely important for our self-esteem battery to be full that we accept our uniqueness. If we cannot accept who we are and who we are not, then how could we accept who others around us are and are not?; If the years we grew up were difficult and our family environment did not offer us this atmosphere of «flourishing», it is time to explore ways to accept ourselves and to a certain extent become our own parents.
Photo by Eddie Kopp on Unsplash