A particularly interesting aspect we encounter in the science of psychology is that we cannot separate the individual from the social group to which they belong. How could we possibly study them anyway, given that the influences from the surrounding social environment are countless! Within this context we grow up, develop, and shape our personality. Thus, any behaviour—desired or undesired by us and those around us—if examined based on the system to which we belong, can cause our perspective to take a different course.
A prime example is when someone within a family takes on the role of the victim. Honestly… do they choose it, or is it offered to them by others?;
Someone feels like a victim and acts like one when others blame them, when they feel helpless or hard done by, when they give up easily, when they can no longer move forward in life, when they constantly blame others for their situation, and desperately ask for help and support without being able to manage life's difficulties on their own. According to a theory (the drama triangle), a victim cannot exist on their own because, quite simply, for a victim to sustain themselves within a system, they must also have someone opposite them playing the role of the persecutor. How else could a person feel like a victim if someone is not emotionally or physically abusing them and criticising them? It has also been observed that in this relationship there is yet another person, «the rescuer». The rescuer, therefore, is the one who saves the victim from the persecutor. These three roles cannot exist in isolation. Imagine watching the play «Romeo and Juliet» without Romeo! Juliet is defined by her love for Romeo. One role needed the existence of the other; one role defines the other. Consequently, all three roles are necessary for the triangle we are describing to function.
The victim usually tells themselves: «I am unworthy! I'm worth nothing!» or «I'm giving up everything and surrendering,» or even «I'm not okay while everyone else around me is.» The persecutor usually uses expressions like «This is your fault,» «You're not okay, and since I am, I'll tell you what to do,» «You're worthless, you're useless,» and similar things. Then the rescuer steps in to «help» by telling the victim that they need help, that they are not well and have a problem, and that they are there to fix them. More often than not, they even come along and «give advice» without being asked!
We often find someone within families taking on the role of the critic and, driven by anger, acting like an authoritarian boss, with the result that the recipient of this behaviour—the victim—feels helpless and incompetent, experiences shame, and desperately tries to find someone to hold onto above them. Then the rescuer comes along, offering help even if the persecutor doesn't need it. The rescuer feels guilt and anxiety if they cannot «save» the victim. Through their action, they cover their own personal needs and satisfy their sense of personal worth, since that is how they have learned «to charge the battery of their self-esteem». They believe that by intervening, even when not asked, they are helping others and giving them the right advice.
It is also very interesting that everyone recognises roles other than their own to such an extent that sometimes they step out of their primary role and play one of their co-protagonists' roles. Let's follow, for example, the following dialogue within a family:
-Father (persecutor): Wife, did you leave the dishes unwashed again? I don't have a fork to eat with!
-Mother (victim): Oh my dear, I'm sorry! Today I had a lot of work to do…
-Father (persecutor): You say that every day and you do nothing about it!
-Son (rescuer): Dad, chill out a bit! She even came to pick me up from the gym and we hit traffic. How was she supposed to get everything done? Besides, you're no better! For two weeks I've been telling you to find some time to help me with my assignment and you've done nothing!
-Father (victim): I understand, son, but I've been very busy lately, there's nothing I can do.
-Mother (rescuer): Don't worry, my son! Your dad will find time soon…
We observe how easily roles change. Nevertheless, some family members operate in one of the three for most of the time.
Within this triangular relationship, all these complex processes may need to be clarified and the roles bounded through a psychotherapeutic process. But for a start, when you feel helpless and that others are mistreating you, you can do a few things such as:
- Take action. Do not let others decide for you. It might be difficult at first, but you will start with simple, everyday moments for which you will decide how to manage them.
- When someone offers to advise you, think about and evaluate what you will take from their advice. Consider how you will help yourself and how someone else might help.
- Ask yourself how you can get what you truly want from a relationship and what the healthiest way to achieve this is.
- Recognise your strengths and talents and focus on developing them.
On the other hand, if you «catch» yourself being critical and harsh with others and want to take that burden off your shoulders and help those opposite you, try to set functional boundaries. Something like: «I really want to listen to you, but I will listen to you for 10 minutes» or «I want to listen to you and I will listen to you, but the problem you are mentioning is not mine. I could help you think it through better, but you will find the solution yourself.».
Now, regarding the role of the rescuer and those who take it on, it is preferable to stop giving advice and help when the other person has not asked you to. Choose instead to clearly convey the message that you care about your loved one and know they are capable of coping. Do not do anything beyond what the other person can do on their own. It is important for those around us to know that we are there for them, but that we do not interfere in their decisions, because otherwise we deprive them of cultivating a mindset capable of leading them to solve problems and untangle situations on their own. A very lovely metaphor that reflects such a situation is when a child is small and has started walking, and the moment arrives when they are going to climb a flight of stairs. The «rescuer» parent will grab their hand, hold them by the waist, and they will climb the stairs together. But the child has not asked for help. The most appropriate approach, guided by the psychological development of the child—and more specifically their self-efficacy and self-esteem—is to let them freely climb the stairs on their own and stay one step behind them without making physical contact with the child, so that if they fall, they fall into your arms. But nothing more!