Shame: When «I Made a Mistake» Turns into «I Am a Mistake»

Reading time: ~8 minutes

By the end of this article you will have:

• Understood the profound difference between shame and guilt and how this shapes your self-image.
• Recognised the hidden symptoms of toxic shame that sabotage your relational vitality.
• Discovered the therapeutic direction to transform fragmentation into a new psychological resilience and acceptance..

There is a kind of pain that is not like grief or fear. It is more «systolic». As if the body shrinks, the gaze lowers, and you want to disappear. This is often shame: a self-conscious emotion where the criticism is not directed at what you did, but at who you are.¹

Shame is not simply uncomfortable. When it becomes chronic, it can organise the self-image around a fixed message: «there is something wrong with me». And from there much stems: withdrawal, perfectionism, secrecy, defensiveness, anger, or a constant effort not to seem “not good enough”.²

1) What is shame, in simple terms

Η guilt it belongs to self-conscious emotions: you need to have self-awareness and (usually) the sense that you are being evaluated. It is not just feeling «upset». It is identity evaluation.¹
Unlike simply saying “I made a mistake”, the guilt often says:
«I am defective».
And that is what makes it so heavy.

In our team at ReConnecT we often observe how this existential footprint is fuelled by the terror of social criticism. This anxiety is often summed up by the question «what will people think», an asphyxiating framework that traps our authentic self and regulates our inner vitality.

2) Shame and guilt: What is the essential difference between them?;

The classic distinction in the literature is clear:²
Guilt → concerns the action: «I did something I don't like»
Shame → concerns the self: «I am the one who is not worthy»

This is not a theoretical game. It has consequences:
Η guilt tends to motivate reparation (apologising, fixing, taking responsibility).
Η guilt tends to motivate withdrawal or defence (hiding, denying, attacking, freezing).²

In other words: the guilt says “I'm changing something”. The guilt says “I cannot change”.

3) Why shame becomes toxic

Η guilt is so «corrosive» because it attacks one's sense of worth, not just a behaviour. When this emotion becomes chronic, it creates what many call internalised/toxic shame: an underlying substrate of inferiority and fear of exposure.³
Research shows that guilt is linked to maladaptive reactions: defensiveness, anger, avoidance, difficulty asking for help, and vicious cycles in relationships.² ³

And this is the paradox: guilt is supposed to “regulate” us socially, but when it becomes chronic, it cuts us off from connection — which is the primary antidote in therapy.

When toxic shame becomes entrenched, our internal sense of worth undergoes a profound fragmentation, acting as an imperceptible drain on our reserves. It is helpful to reflect on whether our own «self-esteem »battery” is full or if the leaks of inadequacy have exhausted it, hindering the self-care process.

4) Symptoms and signs: How does shame manifest in behavior?;

Η guilt rarely appears as «I am ashamed.» It often appears as behavior. A useful model outlines four typical directions:

• Withdrawal: silence, isolation, disappearance
• Avoidance: shield-humour, changing the subject, nonstop work, “I don’t care”
• Attack on self: self-blame, harsh self-criticism, self-sabotage
• Attack on others: anger, sarcasm, blame-shifting

If you see this in someone (or in yourself), the most useful thing is not to “fix” it superficially. It is to recognize the potential root: somewhere here there is a fear of exposure and a sense of inadequacy — that is, fertile ground for guilt.

5) Shame «grows stronger» in silence

One of the most consistent findings from clinical practice (and we encounter it daily with the team at ReConnecT) as well as theory is that guilt feeds on secrecy. When unexpressed, it feels like “proof.” When expressed within a safe relationship, it often begins to lose its absolute truth.⁴
Brené Brown phrased this practically through the theory of resilience in guilt: shame resilience is not about “not feeling shame,” but being able to recognize guilt, name it, and seek connection instead of shutting down.⁴

6) What helps? Modern approaches…

There is no magic button. However, there are recurring directions in intervention reviews for the guilt:⁵

A) Identification and mapping
Learning to distinguish guilt from other emotions:

• When does it appear?;
• What triggers it?;
• Which phrase does it bring (“I am…”, “I am worthless…”)

Η guilt becomes more manageable when it shifts from an “atmosphere” to a “message I can hear and challenge”.⁵

B) Safe exposure in relationship
Η guilt is metabolised within the relationship when there is acceptance, rhythm and boundaries. This is the basis of a «sensitivity to guilt» in practice: not reproducing it guilt through manner, tone, haste or moralising.³

The profound transmutation of pain and the healing of deep psychological wounds do not occur in a vacuum, but thrive within the warmth of a secure relational rhythm. It is this rhythm that allows the individual to feel that they are not alone against the chaos of emotion, creating a stable ground where vulnerability ceases to be a threat and transforms into a gateway of authentic connection.

This deeply therapeutic direction finds its starting point in what we often call «the »miracle” of acceptance. This is not a passive resignation from change, but an active and necessary pathway of awareness that allows us to stand before our psychosomatic experience — even the most painful one — without the paralysing burden of judgement. By cultivating a compassionate inner observer, we give space to the emotional load to breathe, allowing acceptance to act as the catalyst for a radical inner transformation.

C) Shift from identity to behaviour
Here we borrow something very simple:
If the guilt says “I'm rubbish”, therapeutic work often brings back “what happened” and “what I need”.
This is not sugar-coating. It is repositioning in reality: actions, context, needs, choices.³ ⁵

D) Self-compassion practices (as a skill)
Self-compassion is not about “letting yourself off lightly”. It is about reducing self-aggression so that you have space to change. Interventions that cultivate a more compassionate inner tone frequently appear useful in reducing ντροπής.⁵

Μικρή αυτο-ερώτηση (χωρίς τεστ, χωρίς ετικέτες)

Αν ισχύουν τα περισσότερα, η guilt πιθανόν παίζει κεντρικό ρόλο στην ζωή σου:

• Μετά από λάθος, το πρώτο μήνυμα είναι “είμαι άχρηστος/η/ο” και όχι “έκανα λάθος”;²
• Όταν σε βλέπουν, νιώθεις ότι “θα καταλάβουν”;
• Σε κριτική, κλείνεις ή επιτίθεσαι;
• Δυσκολεύεσαι να ζητήσεις βοήθεια, ακόμη κι όταν τη χρειάζεσαι;
• Η τελειομανία λειτουργεί σαν ασπίδα για να μη φανείς ανεπαρκής;

Μετά από αυτές τις ερωτήσεις, αν αναγνωρίζεις τον εαυτό σου, το πιο σημαντικό δεν είναι να «σφίξεις τα δόντια» ή να το δουλέψεις μόνος/η/ο με δύναμη θέλησης. Η guilt αλλάζει όταν βρει χώρο μέσα σε μια ασφαλή θεραπευτική σχέση: να ειπωθεί χωρίς να σε μικρύνει, να κατανοηθεί χωρίς να σε κρίνει, και να μετακινηθεί από το «είμαι λάθος» στο «κάτι μέσα μου πόνεσε και έμαθε να κρύβεται». Με δουλειά, ρυθμό και στήριξη, η guilt μπορεί να χάσει τη θέση “αλήθειας” που νομίζει ότι έχει και να γίνει απλώς ένα συναίσθημα που περνά — κι αυτό είναι μια βαθιά ελπιδοφόρα αλλαγή. Αυτή είναι και η προσέγγισή μας στην θεραπευτική μας ομάδα.

Η guilt είναι ανθρώπινη. Το πρόβλημα δεν είναι ότι εμφανίζεται. Το πρόβλημα είναι όταν γίνεται ταυτότητα και σε κρατά σε σιωπή. Η πιο ρεαλιστική έξοδος δεν είναι να “μην ντρέπεσαι ποτέ”. Είναι να μπορείς να αναγνωρίζεις: «αυτό είναι guilt, όχι αλήθεια για την αξία μου» — και να βρίσκεις σχέση, λόγια και ρυθμό για να την επεξεργαστείς.

Τι να κρατήσεις σήμερα:

• Η guilt δεν λέει «έκανα λάθος» — λέει «είμαι λάθος». Αυτό είναι που βαραίνει την αυτοεικόνα.
• Η difference between shame and guilt είναι κομβική: η guilt κινεί επανόρθωση, η guilt κινεί withdrawal ή άμυνα.
• Η toxic shame συχνά δεν φαίνεται ως «ντρέπομαι», αλλά ως συμπεριφορά (αποφυγή, αυτοεπίθεση, επίθεση προς άλλους, απομόνωση).
• Η guilt τρέφεται από τη σιωπή και τη μυστικότητα· αρχίζει να χάνει δύναμη όταν μπει σε ασφαλή σχέση into acceptance και όρια.
• Το πιο ρεαλιστικό “πώς να ξεπεράσω τη guilt” δεν είναι να εξαφανιστεί, αλλά να την αναγνωρίζεις ως emotion (όχι ως αλήθεια για την αξία σου) και να την επεξεργάζεσαι με ρυθμό, sign in και πρακτικές αυτο-συμπόνιας.

Θα χαρώ πολύ να διαβάσω το μήνυμά σου… Φροντίζω να διαβάζω όλα τα μηνύματα και να απαντάω σε όσα περισσότερα μπορώ.

Γράφει: Φίλιππος Γκέκης, Ψυχολόγος Ψυχοθεραπευτής, εμπνευστής του ReConnecT μαζί με την επιστημονική ομάδα της ReConnecT.

Το άρθρο βασίζεται στην επιστήμη της ψυχολογίας και στην κλινική εμπειρία των ψυχολόγων-ψυχοθεραπευτών/τριών. Ωστόσο, ο χαρακτήρας του είναι ψυχοεκπαιδευτικός και δεν αντικαθιστά την ψυχοθεραπεία. Αν κάτι σε δυσκολεύει συναισθηματικά και δεν αλλάζει με τον καιρό, η υποστήριξη από επαγγελματία ψυχικής υγείας μπορεί να βοηθήσει.

Αρθρογραφία — Βιβλιογραφία

1. Terrizzi, J. A., Jr., & Shook, N. J. (2020). On the origin of shame: Does shame emerge from an evolved disease-avoidance architecture? Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 14, 19.
2. Tangney, J. P., Miller, R. S., Flicker, L., & Barlow, D. H. (1996). Are shame, guilt, and embarrassment distinct emotions? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(6), 1256–1269.
3. Dolezal, L., & Gibson, M. (2022). Beyond a trauma-informed approach and towards shame-sensitive practice. Humanities & Social Sciences Communications, 9(1), 1–10.
4. Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services, 87(1), 43–52.
5. Goffnett, J., Liechty, J. M., & Kidder, E. (2020). Interventions to reduce shame: A systematic review. Journal of Behavioral and Cognitive Therapy, 30(2), 141–160.
6. De Rubeis, S., & Hollenstein, T. (2009). Individual differences in shame and depressive symptoms during early adolescence. Personality and Individual Differences, 46(4), 477–481.
7. Biermann, M., et al. (2023). Shame, self-disgust, and envy: An experimental study on negative emotional response in borderline personality disorder. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 14, 1082785.

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