Have you ever wondered what the real message is that gets across to your child when you speak to them, and whether what you say truly aligns with what you actually mean? Most parents feel that whatever they do is crucial for their child's upbringing, so they pay a lot of attention to what they say. But is everything so conscious? Why is it that often we want to say one thing and end up saying another? Are there underlying messages that are not immediately obvious upon first reading? Are there messages that are so important for shaping children's character? Let's look at a few examples.
First example
«Eat all your food, because if you don't, you'll make me very upset.» Usually, this phrase is accompanied by the parent standing over the child's head with one index finger pointed in a critical manner. The result is that many children may not be able to finish their meal, simply because of the upset caused by hearing this phrase and the parent's posture! The parent's motive, I believe, is always to do the best for their child, and it is love that motivates them. That does not change. The difference is that they will do what they consider best based on what they know and have perceived up to that given moment.
What is the real message?;
The real message in the example we gave is that «If you don't eat, you will harm another human being, specifically your own parent, who happens to be your hero, your role model, the one who will be by your side for as long as you live. Who are you to harm the person who brought you into this world?» A heavy blow! Therefore, if this pattern of «encouragement» is repeated, the child develops guilt and their motivation to act is no longer the joy and pleasure of the activity itself, but rather so as not to upset others. A poor and ineffective motivation. In fact, they might reach a point in life where they say «yes» more often than they want to, suppressing their true needs and desires so as not to upset others. And why not, «fit in» in the future with an oppressive boss who, even though everyone tells them, «Well, why don't you leave since you see they're exploiting you?», they remain.
What do I do now?;
Don't worry! There are ways to nourish the child both physically and mentally. Both an empty plate and a full soul. Trust your child! They know what is good for them, but they need space and time to discover it. So help them discover what they want. ’Perhaps you're not hungry anymore? Are you full? Don't you like the food? Maybe it needs more salt? Would you like to play and eat later? Would you like us to try a different recipe next time?« Thus, the »underground« message is as follows: «You are very important to me, you deserve my attention, and I am here to listen to you and understand you.».