Effective communication requires us to be good listeners. But what does it mean to be a good listener? What are their characteristics?;
The first characteristic of a good listener is the ability to listen, to take «a step back» as we characteristically say, and to focus on what the other person is saying. Often we hear people who, when they are «discussing», talk over one another. This happens because at that moment they are both focused on their own position and thoughts, striving hard to get their message across to the other person. Communication, however, is severely limited in this way. It is very important for our interlocutor to feel that they have someone opposite them who genuinely wants to communicate with them beyond a superficial level. The core message that a good listener sends, and ought to send, is simply this: «You are important to me, which is why I am giving you the space and time to express yourself. What you are saying matters and I accept your position.» Our interlocutor perceives this message on a deeper level and it puts them at ease. Thus, they can express themselves with directness and honesty. Taking that first step back to listen to the other person, and in doing so practically showing that we accept them, is a truly wonderful thing.
The second characteristic of a good listener is asking questions. Not questions to gather information for their own benefit, but questions to better understand what the other person is saying—clarifying questions. For example, if our interlocutor describes a very difficult day at work and we feel at that moment that they are very stressed, but we aren't entirely sure, a clarifying question might be: «I sense that you're feeling very stressed today, have I understood that correctly?».
This brings us to the third characteristic of a good listener, which is respect. We respect the other person's world; we respect how they perceive and map out their experiences and make sense of the events happening to them. We are all unique and perceive the world around us in a personal way. If we listen and ask questions with genuine interest to better understand what our interlocutor is thinking, we lead ourselves towards meaningful communication—a communication far deeper than what we might be used to. Let us remember that our words, our posture, our behaviour, our questions, everything carries meaning. The message can be either «I accept you» or «I do not accept you». What can we do to make the person sitting opposite us feel accepted?;
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