According to humanistic psychology and Maslow's hierarchy of needs, one of our fundamental needs is the need for love and connection with people. If we take things from the beginning, from the moment a human comes into life, the first thing they learn to do in order to survive is to learn to relate to other people so that they become their carers and provide them, at least for the first years of life, with basic care - food and security - so that they can survive and develop. A core behaviour we develop as humans is «relating». How we relate follows us throughout our lives, in everything we have to do in our daily routine, whatever our emotions may be. Somewhere at the centre, all of this has to do with people and the relationships we have around us. Even people who have chosen to distance themselves from the classical structure of society have done so for their own personal reasons and because they have learned to relate to others in a different way.
We all have the deep-seated need to feel accepted both by those close to us and by society at large. The need for acceptance without special conditions. From an early age, however, we learn that acceptance and love is something that comes with conditions, such as «if you eat your food you will be a good boy/girl» or «if you sit quietly I will look after you», «we don't love bad children», «if you don't do your homework there's no tablet!» and other similar things, so the list of rules ends up endless.
Rules shape our personality. We learn that we have worth because we have offered something to others, so very often the message passed through upbringing is that love is an exchange, and when there is such an exchange we then realise that there is no unconditional love and acceptance. It is extremely important to pass on the message to the younger members of the family that you are worthy for who you are and for who you are not, you are worthy simply and solely for your existence. It might sound very difficult, but I believe we simply haven't been trained in such a way of upbringing. When a child truly feels accepted and that they are worthy for who they are and who they are not, only then can they develop normally and explore all aspects of themselves.
Things get even harder when the society we live in recognises our deeper needs and deficiencies. The people around us realise, most of the time without realising it, that we are afraid of rejection and try to communicate using this fear because they are afraid of it too. Very often we hear even in couples phrases like: «You're an idiot. I can't stand you anymore. I'll leave if you don't shape up!» or from parents: «You're not a good child when you're not quiet». Then the recipient of these messages withdraws into themselves or reacts with attack. They cannot bear rejection and build defences, distancing themselves from those around them. But the «critics» are also essentially wounded people who try to survive by criticising others, putting themselves and their relationships into a vicious circle of fear and guilt in order to get even a little certainty for themselves and recharge their self-confidence battery a little in a never-ending game entitled: «Who will reject the other first». Surely in the long run the game has no winner.
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