Well, let's see if you are turning out like your parents
One of the fundamental things that strikes clients during therapeutic work is the recognition of their internal dialogues. It is a fact which, beyond what I read, I see daily before my very eyes: the way we talk to ourselves is precisely the way we heard our parents talk about us in our childhood years.
And while very often in the first sessions I hear clients wishing or even some being certain that they will not become like their parents, they ultimately realise they had no other choice than to resemble them. When I say resemble them, I am referring to the identification that has to do not only with hereditary traits but with the way of thinking, expressing, behaving and generally how they view and perceive the world around them.
Let's take the story from the beginning. For the human organism to develop physically and emotionally, it must connect with its parents, who were adults at the time. The way in which they will connect is also the way they will learn and reproduce «relating» in their later life.
An infant cannot have a self-image and builds it gradually with the reflections it sees in the faces of its parents. For example, when a child makes a mess, they might hear from their parents “you're clumsy!” Or even when they don't study they might hear that they are lazy. These two reflections when repeated over and over again create a rigid self-image for the future adult.
An extremely critical point is the identification of «doing» with «being». If we think about it, an action - such as for instance making a mess - cannot be linked to identity, that is to a person's «being». The fact that I make a mess does not mean that I am a messy person, the fact that I don't study does not mean that I am lazy. The fact that I don't study means that I am not studying, the fact that I made a mess means that I made a mess, and nothing more!
֎Unfortunately, we very easily identify an action with a person's identity and in doing so, we erase all the other aspects of the person that give them this astonishing diversity. A child who doesn't study is considered careless by their parents – how is it that they can pay attention when playing a video game, and indeed absolute attention! What happens there? Are they not careless? Do they change character? This reflection constitutes one of the first steps someone takes towards therapy.
I invite you to observe your daily life and see when someone (or even you yourself) labels yourself according to your behaviour. The fact that you procrastinate on studying for the upcoming exams does not make you a procrastinating person, you are simply a person who sometimes and under certain specific conditions and a framework postpone what you have to do. Just think how liberating this way of thinking about yourself is. Think about how many alternative thoughts you can find and set yourself free!
Ask yourself: why am I procrastinating at this particular moment? I probably lack the motivation to study for university, or perhaps passing my exams means losing my carefree student life. Whereas if you think you are just a procrastinator, then what can you do? The only thing that might be helpful to perform a character surgery and change a character…
֎You are not what you do – you are what you are! And where do we even begin with the subject of diagnoses when they go beyond their purpose of helping us mental health professionals make a diagnosis and ultimately become part of the person's character. In the same way we approached the above concern, I will tell you:
֎The fact that you have certain thoughts or behaviours over and over again (the so-called compulsions or obsessive-compulsions) does not mean that you are obsessive-compulsive!
Therefore, this inner dialogue which in content and manner (i.e. vocal pitch, intensity, and so on) resembles the introjected voice of one's parents, is one of the first recognitions one encounters in psychotherapy.
I am writing the above for you who are wondering whether you have become like your parents or not. To get out of these questions, keep this as a given: you certainly identify with your parents in certain aspects. And here it is worth clarifying this even further.
֎Things we have learned to do and not to do stem from how we interacted with our caregivers in our childhood.
At the level of identification, it is clear: I see my parents being critical of themselves, for instance, and I become critical too, not only because I see them doing it, but because they also become critical of me.
However, there is yet another dimension: How is it explained that I have learned to do things that my parents never did either?; This is where it gets interesting! Often what happens is what is called, in the language of psychotherapy, role reversal, or parentification of children.
Specifically, a parent may not be nurturing or may be abusive towards the other parent or their children. This does not make the children abusive because they see that this is wrong, but due to the abusive behaviour of the parent, they decide to become extremely caring and protective towards the abused parent. It is what I often hear: “I will never do this to my children!” and thus an over-nurturing love is created which most of the time ultimately suffocates the children and prevents them from spreading their wings.
I hope I have given you food for thought through these lines and that you will start noticing when you become like your parents or “conversely like” your parents, so that little by little information shifts from a deeper subconscious level into the conscious, enabling you to make your wish a reality and not become like your parents…