The story of the empty bottle…
It has been a while, perhaps even years, since the events of the story I am about to describe to you.
I remember it was morning, around 9:00, when I was welcoming George* to his weekly session. George, in his early thirties, had started psychotherapy because very frequently, about twice a month, he experienced intense panic attacks that often led him to hospital where doctors would reassure him that he was perfectly healthy. That period I am describing was just before he realised that the panic attacks were a great gift for his personal growth, and the challenge for him was to be able to open it.
He grew up in a family of six, where he was the eldest child.
We often observe that the birth order of children affects both their psycho-emotional development and how they relate to and view the world around them.
That day George sat in the armchair opposite me and began talking with great anxiety and grievance about his girlfriend's unrealistic expectations. He kept bringing up the question: “What am I doing wrong?”.
I saw a man tormented and exhausted by the expectations of others, which had likely been present in his life since he was an embryo.
In the office, I usually offer water to clients, which is why a bottle is available. While I was absorbed in the experience George was describing, at times my gaze would fall on the bottle next to him. That bottle had given of its water and had very little left, not even half a glass.
Suddenly, there came a moment when I realised that a part of me was looking for a simple way to make sense of all these complex hypotheses I was processing regarding George. The solution was right before my eyes!
Without thinking further, I heard myself asking George: ”Do you see this bottle next to you? You know, George, its purpose is to quench our thirst.”
From his expression, I understood that the analogy I was using did not make sense to him yet and that he was bordering on being angry with me for talking to him about something seemingly irrelevant.
However, I continued: ”I see a part of yourself in this bottle, you know George, the energy we have as human beings is a finite amount, and it is in a continuous flow where we fill up, empty out, and so on. For example, we cannot work infinite hours because we need to recharge our batteries; this naturally happens on both a physical and an emotional level.
For a system to be able to grow, it needs to take in more energy than it consumes. If this does not happen, then the rate of wear and tear accelerates.”
At that point, I thought I was perhaps rambling and started becoming more specific:
“So how is it for you to feel that you have emptied yourself out by quenching the thirst of your parents, your siblings, and today, as you say, your girlfriend?”.
George looked away from my eyes, cast his gaze downwards, and probably began thinking about everything we had processed so far in his therapy. Perhaps a minute of silence passed, and after looking at me, he replied with a question:
”Tough being empty, huh?”
I nodded affirmatively and held the silence. I wanted to give him space to feel what it is like to be empty like the bottle, something I assumed he had not learned he was entitled to within relationships.
To be able to quench the thirst of your loved ones, you must first have filled your own “bottle”. An empty bottle cannot quench anyone's thirst.
As the session progressed, he began to realise how his panic attack carried a message which he was able to decode:
” Fill your bottle!”.
For those who have missed out on a basic level of care, meaning that they struggle in their adult lives to look after their own needs, it is important—once this lack is recognised—to begin a process of inner nourishment.
Giorgos was far from being able to stand on an equal and reciprocal footing in an adult romantic relationship at that time.
Equality and reciprocity within a relationship mean that one partner is able to quench the other's thirst.
Of course, it cannot heal and quench the thirst of the deepest wounded layers of his being, but for the relationship to work, it is important to have the mutual ability for each partner to emotionally nourish the other.
This is perhaps also what the word partners implies—that they feed together.
Very often, however, this is a misunderstood concept, and instead of feeding from one another, they feed off one another. Perhaps the expression: “they are always eating each other up” is not a coincidence either. .
For our basic safety and the joy of existing in this world, we are entirely responsible ourselves.
Our partner cannot offer us this foundation by filling our deepest uncared-for parts; that is a matter for therapy. What they can do, however, is to “add” joy, security and meaning to our lives, allowing us to experience the world around us with even greater safety and trust.
Months later, I asked him how his girlfriend might feel when she realises that when she asks him for his care to quench her thirst within their relationship, he gives her his very last drops. His answer surprised me:
” She probably feels that she cannot expect much from me, and when I do give her something from what little I have to spare, she likely feels guilty for taking it away from me”.
At that moment, Giorgos opened up the possibility of understanding not only his girlfriend, but also himself, and how he felt in his family environment when the emotional care he received from his parents was like asking for the last drops in a bottle. Thus, the belief was built within him that “others do not have enough for me, I do not have the right to quench my thirst within human relationships”.
I invite you to consider whether there are parts of you that identify with parts of Giorgos.
If you read this article and something touched you, it means the answer is yes.
Observe your emotional energy and mood throughout the day, and record how it fluctuates daily in your journal. I suggest that for each day in your journal you draw two columns, with the symbol “+” in one and “-” in the other, so that you can record which things drain your energy and which ones add to it. Everything can be part of your list, from the daily activities you do or don't do (sleep, exercise, reading, work, coffee, etc.) and human relationships, down to your very thoughts.
| + | – |
If I could summarise what a therapeutic journey means, I would choose the following quest:
What is it that nourishes me and quenches my thirst? And what is it that drains me?;
The more you discover what fills you and do more of it, and the more you discover what drains you and do less of it, the further you advance on your therapeutic journey. And thus you can choose where to give your energy and whose thirst to quench, and at the same time how and from whom to receive and fill yourself up. In this way, you will live in tune with the law of nature, which tells us that energy moves and is exchanged, just as you are currently exchanging oxygen and carbon dioxide with the environment.
*As always when describing a vignette that took place in a therapy session, I make sure to preserve confidentiality by changing any details that might identify the client.
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