It has been about a decade since I first heard this phrase from the mouth of a teacher at a special school where I was also working. At the time, it made a huge impression on me, both because of the truth it highlighted and the way it gathers and summarises ideas and meanings I had in my mind until then.
Ever since then, there have been many times when I verified it again and again by observing the people around me, myself, and of course my clients, especially the couples who have passed through my office.
But how is it that people break up for the very reasons they got together? How is it that they break up for the reasons that made one look at the other and say “ah, this is my person”? Paradoxical?;
To be able to understand this paradox, I will give an example—a product of my creative imagination and at the same time very real.
In this example, the protagonists will be Yiannis and Maria. 10 years ago they met in a mutual friend group one afternoon in Psyrri. Immediately, the so-called chemistry between them started doing its work and the two of them found themselves walking for hours in the centre of Athens with intense curiosity and interest in getting to know each other. After reflection and deep thought, each of them concluded that back then they saw something unique in the other, something they hadn't found in any other relationship, perhaps so unique that they hadn't even found it in their own family…
Maria grew up as the eldest child of a family of five. At home, her mother took care of all the needs of the children and the entire household. It seemed that motherhood brought joy and meaning to her life, whilst at the same time, here and there, she seemed to be trapped within it. From the age of 17 – when she came from the countryside to live in the city – Maria's father learned what we call squeezing water from a stone. That is, they were two people strictly devoted to their roles, not giving themselves the right to deviate from them and have the opportunity to rejoice, enjoy themselves and relax. Unfortunately for Maria, even though she lived in a city with many stimuli, she was expected to be devoted to her parents' example and explore herself and the world very restrictively, like a dropper dripping freedom. To be able to go to the cinema with her friends, a whole week had to have passed and she had to be the classic good girl who had done her homework and household chores in order to earn the right to go out. She missed freedom terribly – that is, being able to express her desires and explore the world without having to account to anyone. As soon as she met Yiannis, her little heart fluttered because in front of her she had a free, independent man and she immediately fantasised that with him she could feel the freedom she had never felt on her own!
Yiannis grew up in the city of Athens as well, but although he was an only child, he did not enjoy the care of his family. This happened because he grew up with a father who was very devoted to his family of origin – so much so that on all holidays he would celebrate with his parents and siblings first and then return to his wife and son. For some reason, his mother could neither set boundaries for him nor leave this agonizing, hurtful coming and going of Yiannis's father, and as she stayed in this hurtful relationship, she had no emotional energy left to take care of her child. The result was that Yiannis became the man of the house, her support, losing his right to be cared for. Yiannis saw in Maria's face what Maria actually knew how to do very well: take care of a home, take care of people, be very sweet and devoted to caring for others. Even though their uncared-for parts somewhat coincided, the need for freedom predominated in one and the need for care in the other.
The first year passed in what many of us have felt “on a pink cloud”, where fantasy was built up well for both of them: Maria felt she had found the man of her life who could give her the freedom she so desperately needed, she believed that with him she could travel all over the world, have fun, drink, get drunk and free herself from the invisible bonds that had tied her to her family. On the other hand, Yannis “melted” at the prospect of receiving the sweet, tender care he never got from his mother.
Of course, the illusion that Maria and Yannis were living in at this stage of their relationship was this: the care we did not receive from our family, if we do not recognise it, mourn it and do something about it ourselves as adults, no one (and I stress, no one!) is in a position to offer it to us.
Another way to approach this truth is that we all owe it to ourselves, even if it takes years, to recognise our desires, our shortcomings, our needs and to take care of them both ourselves towards ourselves and by bringing ourselves into relationships with other people. A romantic relationship is not meant to glue the broken pieces of ourselves back together nor to resurrect our wounded soul, but rather, based on self-acceptance, self-esteem and the love we nurture for ourselves, it is meant to make our life even richer, juicier and to evolve it from then on.
Moving forward and developing their relationship over the years, they became parents, they had a beautiful little daughter, but as the years went by, their personal shortcomings – naturally – were not truly filled, but within the realm of their imagination. Consequently, these shortcomings deepened more and more. So, the way they learned to connect, those elements that “shone” in each other's eyes when they first met began to become more intense. For example, the freedom that Yannis brought to the relationship began to become detachment. The way he had learned to relate within the family was distant regarding his needs, so naturally when things went wrong instead of staying in relatedness and closeness, he would withdraw to friends and relationships outside the family. When nagging and complaining started in the relationship, what he knew how to do was to go out more with his friends and come back later and later at night, resulting in Maria feeling even more alone. At that moment she too continued to do more intensely what she knew how to do, which was to care. However, this care eventually turned into control. Her care began to become pressuring: “What time are you going out?”, ”Who are you going with?”, ”Where are you going out?”, ”What time will you be back?” and then complaining: “I'm the one who takes care of you and has everything spotless for you and you keep going out and leaving me alone?”.
It is interesting to see here how a positive and fertile quality such as care or freedom can transform into its opposite dimension and become control from care and detachment from freedom. The human brain has survived by creating polarities and the more rigid these polarities are, the more it gets stuck in one or the other. Values can also be seen as a coin which has two sides. Other examples are organisation becoming obsessiveness or the desire for the most flawless result becoming perfectionism.
As almost always, at the end of my articles I turn you towards yourself, so now:
Which of your “strong” elements, your talents, abilities also hide your wounds within them?;
(the expression of a talent, an inclination, an ability underlies the cost and psychological pain which we “paid” to acquire it)
Οι θετικές ποιότητες που φέρνεις και προσφέρεις στις σχέσεις σου, πώς μπορούν παράλληλα να γίνονται και εμπόδια στην σχέση;
Ποια ήταν η μεγαλύτερη σου επιθυμία, συναισθηματική ανάγκη, την οποία έχεις παράπονο ότι δεν έλαβες από την οικογένεια καταγωγής σου; Μήπως την αναζητάς και στην σχέση σου;