Reading time: ~8 minutes
By the end of the article, you will have understood:
- γwhy conflicts on holiday rarely relate to what they seem and almost always to something deeper that hasn't been said,
- how unfulfilled expectations act as an invisible source of tension,
- what you can do differently to start listening to your relationship.
There is something paradoxical about a couple's holiday.
You plan them for weeks. You book a hotel, buy tickets, and feel excited about them. And then, somewhere between the airport and the pool, friction begins that cannot easily be explained.
It's not that you don't love each other. It's simply that, without realising it, you bring along two completely different pictures of what these days mean to each of you. And neither of them has ever been spoken aloud.
This article won't tell you how to «survive» a holiday together. We will simply attempt to understand what is really happening, when two people who love each other shout at one another over the breakfast buffet!
Why do you argue over “silly things” on holiday?;
Nikos and Eleni came for therapy in September, a few days after returning from a holiday that «ruined their summer». They had argued about the schedule, the restaurants, the company. «He doesn't listen to me,» said one side. «She never relaxes,» said the other. It took three sessions for it to become clear that the issue was neither the schedule nor the restaurants.
(The above details have been changed for privacy reasons.)
Conflicts on holiday rarely concern what is visible and almost always express two different, unspoken needs for care, relaxation or connection that have not been discussed.
John Gottman's research showed that 69% of conflicts in couples concern «gridlocked differences», meaning issues that are never definitively resolved, simply managed.² The hotel, the itinerary, the company are just the scenery. The real show is something else.
On holiday, the daily routine that acts as a «regulator», disappears. There is no work to absorb you, no children running around, no obligations filling up the space. It is just the two of you left, along with what has been left unsaid between you.
In our therapeutic team at ReConnecT we often hear couples say, «We argued over silly things on holiday». These “silly things” are almost always unmet expectations that have finally found space to be expressed.
What do we mean when we talk about “unmet expectations” in a relationship?;
Unmet expectations are what we expect from our partner without having voiced them, and often without having even realised them ourselves yet.
Research shows that «relationship standards», meaning our beliefs about how a relationship «should» work, are strong predictors of dissatisfaction when they do not align between partners.⁵ And the problem is not that they differ, but that each person believes the other person «knows» what they expect from them.
Think of it this way: one partner grew up in a family where holidays meant spontaneity, evening outings and lots of socializing. The other grew up in a family where holidays meant quiet, rest and time for just the two of you. Neither is wrong. But if neither has spoken up, conflict is only a matter of time.
Expectations conceal values with a history.
How do your parents still shape what you expect from your holidays?;
Every person brings an invisible «holiday image» to the relationship» from their childhood. This is why, when two different images meet without being spoken about, conflict is almost inevitable.
Salvador Minuchin described how each individual brings «internal scripts» from their family of origin into the relationship, meaning invisible rules about what is «normal», what is «right», and how a family operates.³ These scripts are not discussed, they are simply applied. And when two different scripts meet, each partner feels the other «doesn't understand», whereas in reality a completely different «film» is simply playing out inside them.
You didn't argue about the hotel. You argued about what you have been carrying since childhood regarding what a holiday «should» look like.
We observe that holidays act like a magnifying glass. They don't create the problems, they make them more visible. And this, despite the pain, can be an opportunity.
If you want to see how these patterns repeat, our article on why the issue in relationship conflicts is rarely what it seems gives a very clear picture.
Why do you feel lonely, even when you get so close on holiday?;
Loneliness within a relationship is not about physical distance, but the feeling that your inner world is not reaching the other person, even when you are sitting on the same sun lounger.
Esther Perel poses a question that sounds simple, but is profound: there is a difference between «being together» and «being connected».⁴ Being in the same place does not guarantee connection. You may be sitting at the same table while each is in a completely different place internally.
Research on loneliness confirms that it is not defined by physical isolation, but by the feeling of not being understood.⁶ And this loneliness within a relationship is particularly painful, because it contradicts what the relationship promises.
Have you noticed that arguments usually fall into a negative cycle?;
The negative cycle is a couple's repeating pattern of conflict, where one person's attack fuels the other's withdrawal, which fuels more attack, in a cycle that no one intentionally started.
Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), describes how beneath every conflict lies an unfulfilled need for connection: «Are you there for me? Do you see me? Do I matter to you?»¹ Anger, criticism, distance are often disguised versions of this question.
On holiday, without the protection of routine, this pattern appears faster. One partner feels that the other is «not making an effort». The other feels that «whatever I do is not enough». And the cycle starts again, not out of malice, but out of fear.
Ultimately, the question is never «whose fault is it», but «what does each person need that they haven't expressed yet».
If you are wondering how to distinguish a difficult moment from an entrenched pattern, our article on healthy conflict and the toxic pattern provides a practical three-point test.
When do you need extra support?;
Not every holiday conflict is a sign of crisis, but some things are worth paying attention to:
- The same issues keep coming up every year without anything changing.
- After conflicts, there is prolonged silence or detachment.
- You feel you cannot say what you need without «spoiling the atmosphere».
- Η loneliness within a relationship has become the rule, not the exception.
In these cases, the couples therapy, especially with a systemic or Emotionally Focused (EFT) approach, can open up space for what has not yet found expression.
Before you leave for holidays, ask your partner 3 questions
1. «When you picture a “perfect holiday”, what do you see?» and listen without the intention to fix.
2. «What do you need from me these days that you usually do not say?»
3. «Is there anything that makes you feel lonely, even when we are together?»
Everything does not need to be solved in one conversation. The space needs to be opened up.
And if you want to see the bigger picture about what a relationship needs to stay connected beyond moments of crisis, this article is worth reading.
Frequently Asked Questions
Πώς να μιλήσω στον/στη σύντροφό μου για αυτό που χρειάζομαι χωρίς να ξεσπάσει σύγκρουση; Ξεκίνα από το δικό σου βίωμα, όχι από αυτό που «κάνει» ο άλλος. «Νιώθω μοναξιά, όταν…» είναι πολύ διαφορετικό από «Εσύ πάντα…». Η πρώτη διατύπωση ανοίγει χώρο, η δεύτερη τον κλείνει.
Πώς να κάνουμε διακοπές χωρίς εντάσεις; Ο στόχος δεν είναι η απουσία εντάσεων, αλλά να μάθετε να τις διαχειρίζεστε μαζί. Μία συζήτηση πριν τις διακοπές για το τι χρειάζεται ο καθένας μπορεί να αλλάξει πολλά. Δεν χρειάζεται να συμφωνείτε σε όλα. Αρκεί να ακούτε ο ένας τον άλλον.
Γιατί ο πιο κοντινός μου άνθρωπος δεν καταλαβαίνει τι χρειάζομαι; Πιθανώς γιατί δεν το έχεις πει με σαφήνεια ή γιατί το έχεις πει με τρόπο που ο άλλος τον ακούει ως κριτική και αμύνεται.
Πότε οι συγκρούσεις στις διακοπές χρειάζονται θεραπεία ζεύγους; Όταν τα ίδια θέματα επανέρχονται για χρόνια χωρίς να αλλάζει τίποτα, όταν η απόσταση μετά τις συγκρούσεις μεγαλώνει αντί να μικραίνει, ή όταν κανένας δεν νιώθει πλέον ότι μπορεί να πει αυτό που χρειάζεται, τότε η εξωτερική στήριξη δεν είναι αδυναμία, αλλά η καλύτερη επένδυση που μπορείτε να κάνετε στη σχέση σας.
In short
Οι συγκρούσεις στις διακοπές δεν γεννιούνται από κακία ή ασυμβατότητα, αλλά από ανεκπλήρωτες προσδοκίες που κανείς δεν έχει εκφράσει. Κάθε άνθρωπος φέρνει στη σχέση μια αόρατη εικόνα για το τι σημαίνουν οι «καλές διακοπές», διαμορφωμένη από την οικογένεια καταγωγής, τις εμπειρίες, τις ανάγκες. Όταν αυτές οι εικόνες συναντιούνται χωρίς να έχουν ειπωθεί, ο χώρος γεμίζει με παρεξηγήσεις. Η λύση δεν είναι να συμφωνείτε σε όλα, αλλά να αρχίσετε να μιλάτε για αυτά που δεν έχουν ακόμα βρει έκφραση.
I would love to read your message… I make sure to read all messages and reply to as many as I can.
Το άρθρο βασίζεται στην επιστήμη της ψυχολογίας και στην κλινική εμπειρία ψυχολόγων-ψυχοθεραπευτών. Έχει ψυχοεκπαιδευτικό χαρακτήρα και δεν αντικαθιστά την ψυχοθεραπεία, την ιατρική ή ψυχιατρική αξιολόγηση, ούτε μπορεί να καλύψει τη μοναδικότητα κάθε σχέσης και κάθε βιώματος. Αν βιώνεις έντονη ψυχική επιβάρυνση, απορρύθμιση, βία, εξαναγκασμό ή αίσθηση ότι δεν είσαι ασφαλές πρόσωπο μέσα στη σχέση σου, είναι σημαντικό να αναζητήσεις εξατομικευμένη επαγγελματική στήριξη.
Artificial intelligence may be used supportively in the process of researching, organising and cross-referencing contemporary literature. However, the final text, ideas, clinical judgement, language and responsibility for publication belong to us. Every article is written and edited with human thought, clinical experience and respect for the person reading it.
Γράφει: Φίλιππος Γκέκης, Ψυχολόγος Ψυχοθεραπευτής, εμπνευστής του ReConnecT μαζί με την επιστημονική ομάδα του ReConnecT.
References
1. Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (2nd ed.). Brunner-Routledge.
2. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.
3. Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.
4. Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. Harper.
5. Baucom, D. H., Epstein, N., Rankin, L. A., & Burnett, C. K. (1996). Assessing relationship standards: The Inventory of Specific Relationship Standards. Journal of Family Psychology, 10(1), 72–88.
6. Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social connection. W. W. Norton & Company.