Arguments and conflicts are something we do not like, but sometimes they turn out to be inevitable for many reasons. Essentially, change follows a conflict. Therefore, disagreement and fighting may well be a precursor to a desired change. After all, how could we avoid conflicting when we are all unique and perceive the world and reality in our own unique way.
The place where we grew up, our social context, our family and our country shape our moral values and our beliefs about how the world works and how we perceive the people around us. We encounter conflicts especially in what are described as «close» relationships, which mainly refer to family relationships, couple relationships as well as the parent-child relationship. We could liken a conflict to the moment someone throws a pebble onto the calm surface of a lake. Afterwards, we observe disturbances in the water which decrease over time and balance is restored on the water's surface.
Let's look at what disrupts the calm surface of the water, let's also see how we can stop throwing pebbles into the water, as well as the ways in which we can quickly and effectively restore former balance and peace. Every conflict has certain characteristics. In short, these characteristics are as follows:
- conflicts are characterised by intense emotions and the moment of conflict feels like when we have opened the safety valve on a pressure cooker, resulting in the release of our emotional world which has been suppressed for some time.
- the common emotions we observe in a conflict are anger, fear, anxiety, disappointment, anxiety.
- another characteristic of conflict is that there is no effective communication. The two sides do not find common fertile ground to communicate. We observe that the goal of both sides is to win the verbal dispute without caring about anything else. Unfortunately, it is much more important to be right than to be loved. These are the moments when any common points that might exist between us leave our perspective and both sides concentrate on the negatives and the different opposing conflicting aspects.
- amidst this ongoing battle over who will prevail, tension escalates because no one backs down and the psychological cost increases for both sides.
What can I do?; In what ways do we react to a conflict?;
There are two ways of dealing with conflict. The first is to avoid solving the problem, i.e., to avoid the conflict, and the second is to get involved in the conflict.
The first way, namely avoiding the conflict, is very common but not productive because it does not help the well-being of the relationship. I want to emphasise here that since a conflict exists, there is certainly a serious issue that wants to be revealed. Every conflict is a way for us to better recognise ourselves and the person opposite us. No relationship remains stagnant. Therefore, changes are very likely to bring up conflicts. The question is not whether we will have conflicts or not, but how we will manage them, because conflicts will always exist.
When we get involved in conflict, our goal is to move from the stage of tension and the use of physical or psychological violence to the stage of dialogue in calm tones so that both members try to make a joint decision. So let's ask ourselves when we are on the verge of conflict:
Why do I want to conflict?;
Is some need of mine being suppressed?;
How do I feel about this?;
Am I accumulating feelings that I am not expressing to my partner?;
Are my values being violated?;
All the above questions come down to one fundamental one
What is the deeper meaning of the conflict?;
These questions open up a dialogue with our inner self and we begin to receive answers that develop us and help us gain self-awareness. Perhaps we should also ask ourselves why we fear conflict. If I conflict with my partner, for example, what will I lose? Will something bad happen? Am I afraid they might pull away? Am I afraid I won't be liked? Am I ultimately afraid of rejection?;
The use of psychological violence and the attempt to manipulate our interlocutor builds hard and high walls between us. It is not a choice. Perhaps for something unexpected and serious it might be, but only to begin with.
We will now focus on the desired outcome. Since our goal is neither to avoid conflict nor to engage in it with inflexibility and intensity, what is the most efficient way to manage a conflict? Below I outline the «rules» for handling conflict:
- we must accept conflict as an inevitable event that frequently happens in all our interpersonal relationships
- conflict is a sign of change and relationship growth, a necessary and inevitable process within the social context in which we live
- we keep in mind that both parties in a conflict perceive reality in a different, unique way. The fact that one person lives in an environment that is changing does not mean we focus exclusively on their needs. Changes, small or large, happen daily in everyone's life.
- respecting the other person's world of emotions, the way they think about the issue of conflict, and the fact that they give it their own meaning, is the foundation for healthy communication. I use arguments, express my emotions and try to put myself in the other person's shoes and empathise with them.
- conflict means that there is certainly a problem emerging through this process, and let resolving it be our motivation
- through conflict, people recognise themselves and others better, learning about their emotions and what triggers them. Conflict is self-awareness for relationships
- conflict, through the self-awareness it offers, develops us on multiple levels and strengthens our abilities to manage difficult situations, communicate with our emotions, and improve our emotional intelligence. Provided, of course, that we reflect on the new data brought by whatever disagreement or conflict has arisen.
When the above mindset influences both conversational partners, then every conflict can offer its gifts to every relationship.