reading time about 4 minutes
I invite you to do an exercise!
Imagine what it's like to have craved the connection with your partner and as you approach them with great desire to hear them say to you:
1 “I don't want you” or “I don't want sex”.
2 “I don't want you right now” or “I don't want sex right now”.
3 “My love you know that I want you and I love you, I just really need to rest right now”.
How did you feel about each different response?;
Which one made you feel bad and which one nice?;
Which one would you use if you want to communicate to your partner that you are not in the mood for “romance” at the moment?;
In this article I will present an effective way to communicate the ““I don't want you right now””. You can also use this approach in other aspects of your relationship with your partner.
Note: the suggested way of expressing yourself applies to partners who want each other and have a desire to have sex.
The case where there is no desire is very different and requires investigation; there may be a need to communicate ““I want to break up”” or ““I need more to....” etc. The crucial point is to clarify within ourselves which of the two applies.
Often, we notice ““I don't want you”” being heard, which may not be the authentic message of the communication. Many times when I have a couple in front of me I hear “I don't want you” whose translation might be:
“I don't want you right now”
““I want 5-10 minutes and then I'm yours””
““I realise that you are in the mood for playfulness, but I'm not on the same page as you, what can we do about it?””
““I don't like how you are approaching me, I prefer...””
and many others...
It is a frequent phenomenon for the couple to get “lost in translation” (!), with both remaining unsatisfied even though they both want the same thing and have the same needs. Once again, focusing on ““what”” does not bring the desired result as much as focusing on ““how””. Usually, partners find it difficult to express their desire for something different (often for fear of displeasing their partner).
Let's take a look at ““how”” then!
Consciously or unconsciously, all couples build their companionship on rituals. What are rituals?;
The rituals are defined as any patterns of behaviour performed in a specific way. Examples of rituals include brushing our teeth in the morning, washing our hands before dinner, checking our emails in the morning or kissing our spouses goodnight. They are performed in a regular and prescribed manner. They usually have two characteristics in the context of a committed relationship. The first is their repetition in a specific way and the second is that their purpose is to bring the two partners closer together. A routine only becomes a ritual when it has meaning that is connected to the relationship.
Therefore, I propose a ritual in cases where there is a need to communicate the desire, or lack thereof, for sex.
Use a scale from 1 to 10. “1” means I have no desire for sex right now, “5” means I am likely to be easily aroused, and “10” means “let's go!”
So if your mood is at 1 you can say: “I love you, right now my mood is at 1…”. If you are not sure then: “ Sweetheart, right now my mood is at 5 let's try sharing a kiss…”.
Both partners express the degree of their mood.
The more you listen to, understand and respect your partner's NOs (on any matter within the relationship) the more YESes your relationship will have!