Admittedly… the title you just read is a «trap» title! There is no answer, and if one has been given, we ought to stop and think. Yet, it is a question frequently asked of children by acquaintances and relatives. Personally, I have never understood this question! I mean, does the child have no other choice? For example, they could love their granny or the nanny who has looked after them for the past eight out of the eight years of their life more! Or they might love both parents equally. Or they might love all their relatives simply in a different way. We ought to point out that questions hold great power. Questions also determine the quality of the answers. Regarding the initial question, we give the child only two choices: to say they love mum more or that they love dad more. It is a closed-ended question. The answer is singular and specific. It is as though we are asking them: «Will you eat your bean soup now or in 10 minutes?» We fictitiously give them two choices, but essentially they only have one! That they will eat the bean soup!
Every choice we make is essentially a «yes» to what we choose and a «no» to what we reject. Therefore, if the child replies, for example, that they love mum more, how do you think they will feel about dad? Have they just told dad that they do not love him quite as much? How must he feel?;
However, the message conveyed by asking such a question is that there is competition in our world, meaning you cannot love everyone. The capacity to love is limited. But what impact could this have on the child when they start their own family? Might they begin to wonder which of their children they will love more?;
Another message is that nobody can have everyone's love in life. Yet let us consider how true this actually is. Can I love my wife and my children equally? Can I have the love of all of them? Can I eat both dessert and moussaka?;
So let us ponder this together! Did we ever love all our loved ones in the same way? Each of us is different and unique, playing a different role in our lives. So might it be that we love them all, but in a different way? Which of course means that we can love them all!
What do I do?;
In the event that our well-meaning relative or friend attempts this kind of question, do not hesitate to take a stand before your child does. No! Do not worry about taking away their turn to speak. Simply and seriously, you will add another option: that we can love everyone, perhaps with some differences for each person. For example, «I feel my father's love when he takes me for a walk in the park and my mother's love when she reads me bedtime stories.» There is neither limitation nor competition in love, and each of us has developed different ways to express and enjoy it.