A few years ago I read a story in a book. It referred to how Native Americans hundreds of years ago communicated effectively using a magic wand. The process was as follows: everyone would gather in a circle. No one had a better position than anyone else, but everyone was equal. The symbol of the method was a very nicely carved wooden wand that was passed from hand to hand. The rules were simple: whoever had the wand in their hand could speak until they felt they had been completely understood. The rest could neither speak nor comment. They could only ask questions to clarify, if necessary, something they had heard. The holder of the wand, when they felt they had been fully understood, would pass the wand to others. They applied this method not only in groups but also in cases where two members of the tribe came into conflict.
I believe that meaningful communication is based on simplicity, the directness and my acceptance. The above method used by Native Americans incorporates all three of these elements.
That is, whoever has the magic wand in their hand has the space and time to express themselves freely, feeling the acceptance and interest of others.
Indeed, how do we feel the acceptance of others?;
Quite simply by having them sit across from us and listen to us for as long as we speak. By being there just for us and asking questions out of interest without critical comments, making us feel that what we have to say is worthwhile!
Directness is the next component of true and mutual communication, which comes as a result of the acceptance we feel from others, leaving us free to express our concerns, our feelings and our way of thinking without fear of being hurt by the opinions of others. If the person sitting across from us does not feel our complete and genuine acceptance, it will be difficult for them to express themselves freely. Yes! As listeners we have great power to contribute to effective communication.
The growing difficulties of our everyday lives gradually create barriers to effective communication. There are times when we feel that others do not understand us, times when they are angry with us, times when our words and actions do not match, times when we want to say «no» but say «yes», times when we want to say «yes» but say «no».
How then can we apply and master a very simple method of communication to build strong relationships with our loved ones? By first finding a little time exclusively to talk and avoiding any stimulus that could distract us from our conversation partner.
Sit down and «designate» an object, e.g. a pen, as the «magic wand». The rules are simple and the result is wonderful. Whoever has the wand in their hand can speak for as long as they want and have the other person's full attention. They will hand the wand over to the other person exclusively when they themselves feel they have been understood and throughout this time the other person can only ask clarifying questions about what the speaker has said. When the wand changes hands, the roles are reversed. It is an exercise based on a simple philosophy but with miraculous results and it might just be the first step to getting even closer to your loved ones.