Do you feel that you are suppressing yourself; Do you feel that others are mistreating you? There are times when we follow a way of thinking that does not help us communicate with others. We focus on just two options and fail to see intermediate solutions. A meaningful choice is made when there are three or more options, because with two we are essentially in a dilemma. Very often in the context of the therapeutic process I encounter this one and only way of thinking, that of black and white. The difficulty in this approach lies in the fact that we only see white and black and unconsciously remove all other colours from our field of vision. It is very common to suppress our feelings and needs because we are afraid of hurting, upsetting, and mistreating others so that they won't walk away from us. It may not yet be visible that expression is what will bring you closer to others.
The consequence of this is that we suppress and mistreat ourselves:
People who struggle with such a mindset definitely found themselves in an environment where, when they were young, there were many rules prohibiting the expression of their feelings and needs. In particular, expressions of “negative” (or rather unpleasant feelings, since ALL feelings are functional for the well-being of our organism and personality) feelings such as fear, anger, and anxiety were forbidden. This is achieved through many commands such as «don't shout», «don't talk», «at the stranger's house we are going to, I want you to be quiet», «don't cry, men don't cry», «be a good boy». Such children, when they grow up, will find it extremely difficult to express their anger and worry, and thus will not express their opinion on many issues either. They are very likely to agree with everyone around them to gain approval and are usually quiet people with low demands.
So what are the other colours? There cannot be only white and black! There cannot be only «communicating at a heavy cost» and «not communicating!»
The solution lies in direct communication. The truth begins at the point where I realise that “something is not right”. Emotions live within our bodies and serve as the compass for our actions. Wherever there is an emotion, there is also a message—a message that we need to listen to, because if we fail to listen to the messages our emotions offer us, the way we behave will work against our psychological and physical well-being. Suppressed emotions will express themselves in the future in more painful ways. Therefore, the first step is to allow my emotion to give me its message, to process it, and finally to act in accordance with it.